Kingdom, err, Spades?
by Nicrafetix
Summary: Sora is silly. People really oughta chuck rocks at him, y'know? NOTE: The Keyblade is not a toy. And Sora, you DON'T look as cool as you think you do when carrying it.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors:_ **Nicrafetix** and **Sequizurx** (which put together equals **Sequifetix! **Wow, aren't we clever) 

_Warning: _We had **probably** had a lot of **sugar** when this was written. Just so you know…

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

**Kingdom**, um, **Spades? **

**Prologue **

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

Once upon a time there lived a silly little boy called Sora.

He was silly.

He had many friends.

They were silly too.

And they were all happy being silly together.

They lived on a tropical island full of trees and trees and… a heh… trees…

Sora and his friends, Riku and Kairi, spent many hours labouring over a wooden raft, in the hope that one day it would be sturdy enough to zoom them off into the sunset in search of other worlds. Unfortunately, this didn't go as planned.

The trouble started when Riku almost got Sora drowned. Whilst unconscious, Sora had a fitful nightmare, which involved some Heartless, a fluffy sword, a pink shield, two fat muffins and a moogle machine.

He finally awoke to feel something slobbering all over his cheek. "Oh," he nodded to himself. "I'm in Traverse Town." he reached out to pat Pluto, but instead felt the large boulder-like thing that was Kairi's head.

"Get up, Sora, you lazy bum!" Kairi tittered. "Hee hee hee hee hee!"

Then she scarpered off to titter some more with Selphie. Selphie was good at tittering.

After much lazing about, Sora heard a yell from Kairi. He reluctantly picked himself up and headed in the direction commonly referred to as 'Kairi'.

"Hey, man!" Wakka grinned, leaping out of the bushes. "You could do with some training, ya?"

Sora scowled. "Nuh-uh," he beamed. "I'm going in the Kairi direction!"

Wakka blinked. "Ya, man!" he nodded. "Let's go a round, ya? You could do with some coaching, ya?"

Sora frowned. "NO!" he cried. "I dun want double glazing!" Then he ran away, his arms and legs flailing wildly.

"Hey, Sora!" Kairi hollered. "Get your lazy bum over here!"

Sora scrambled hurriedly in the Kairi direction. "Yes ma'am?" he uttered. "What can I do you for?"

Kairi frowned. "I don't want you to _do _me, Sora!" she snapped. "I want you to get me three sticks, a frozen cat and a giant trolley. Can you do that?"

Sora blinked. "I WANT A TROLLEY!" he exclaimed.

"Shut up and get me some sticks," Kairi scowled. He cowered away as she towered over him.

"Oh… dear…" he whimpered, then darted away in search of various shapes, sizes and flavours of sticks. The day was still called Harold.

"Hey, man!" Wakka beamed. "Me and Tidus are gonna do a little exploring today. To the secret place at the base of that tree. There's got to be something there, ya?"

"YES OF COURSE THERE ISH SOMETHING THERE!" Sora yelled. "How dumb d'you have to be?"

Wakka's bottom lip trembled. "W-w-wanna go a r-round, m-man?" he stammered. "Y-you c-could do with some c-coach-" He broke off mid-sentence to have a blubbering fit of tears and then ran away. Sora couldn't help but laugh.

"SORA!" Kairi screeched. "I don't see any stick-collecting!"

Sora groaned, then wandered off, kicking some sand around. He didn't want to collect any sticks. Sticks were silly. Silly like Sora. Sora is silly. SillySILLYSora. Let's all throw stuff at Sora, cuz Sora is silly.

He wandered into the Beach Shack and discovered a save point. This cheered him up immensely, and he promptly jumped into it.

He was disheartened to learn that he was not yet able to access the Gummi ship. Although at that point he didn't know what a Gummi ship was. For all Sora knew a Gummi ship could have been an electric trolley cow named Chell that lived in Wakka's garage and feasted on half-digested bike tires and slightly battered shoes.

It could have been a piece of gorgonzola, a slice of cake, a type of Keyblade, a world that he would later visit, a kooky character in the Final Fantasy series, a pair of laser-ray A3 folders that repeatedly unleashed their fantastical power to hug Rey or a sublimal m**E**ss**A**ge hidden deep wi**T**hin a rando**M** s**E**ntence.

It could even have been a magic vessel owned by D. Duck and a freaky-lookin' dog named Goofy that transported them to random places where they had to fight Heartless and shove Yuffie into a cardboard box and transport her off to Japan. But that was just silly. Everyone knows Japan doesn't have ninjas. 

Failing to find any blueberry flavoured sticks Sora settled for some raspberry ones and hoped that Kairi wouldn't notice…

"That's all we need for today, Sora!" Kairi set a fake smile plastered across her face, "What would you like to do?

A) Let's call it a day.

B) …"

Sora wondered which he would like to do go home or …

Sora decided on 'Let's go home' because '…' might involve something to do with Wakka… and Sora would not like that at all…

"OOH! OOH!" Sora leapt up and down in the air. "I KNOW THE ANSWER! I KNOW THE ANSWER! PICK ME! PICK ME!"

Kairi sighed.

"Yes, Sora?"

"Let's go home!"

"Well done! Ten out if ten!"

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

_ZAP!_

"Ahyuk!" Goofy cried, sitting bolt upright. He was in a field of daisies, and the sky was purple and the sheep were blue… they were singing… singing about clockwork mice and tap-dancing shoeboxes with green hair like seaweed that was a _might_y big hassle to get the tangles out of. Silly green seaweed hair… Silly like Sora.

"QUAAAACK!" Donald squawked.

"Ahyuk!" Goofy chortled. He realized he was _not _in fact in a field of daisies where the sky was purple and the sheep were orange and- oh, never mind!

He was _actually_ in the Disney Castle gardens.

"Hey there, Donald!" he remarked, still dizzy from the lightning shock the said duck had given him, but beaming nevertheless.

"Shuddup, Goofy, this is serious!" Donald quacked. "Somebody's stolen the Queen's muffins!"

"Muffins?" Goofy repeated goofily.

"Muffins! Do you know where they are?" Donald asked suspiciously.

"No… but we could always get her some more!" Goofy suggested cheerfully. "Do you know… the muffin man?"

"The muffin man?" Donald raised his eyebrows.

"The muffin man!"

"Yes… I know the muffin man… who lives in the third district?"

"Yep!" Goofy beamed happily. "Maybe we oughta go see him! He could make us some new muffins!"

"Okay," Donald squawked. "But the third district is crawling with Heartless!"

Goofy frowned. "Gawrsh! That sounds kinda dangerous!" he shuddered.

"Aw, phooey!" Donald snorted. "I'm not scared!"

Goofy blinked. "Ahyuk! Dontcha think we oughta find the keybearer first?" he suggested helpfully.

"What's a keybearer?" Donald asked.

"A guy who bears a key," Goofy chortled merrily.

Donald blinked. "So… a bear… with a key?"

Goofy winked. "Yuh-huh!" he beamed. "Let's get on the Gummi ship and go to Traverse Town now!"

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

Sora looked blankly at the yellow fruit in his hands, then at Riku.

"And I need this… why?" he prompted.

Riku put his hands on his hips and flicked his hair in one expert motion.

"_Because,_ silly!" he sighed. "If you share one with someone, your destinies become intertwined. You'll remain a part of each other's lives, no matter what!"

"Okay…" Sora murmured, then chucked it over his shoulder.

Riku scowled. "Hey!" he whined. "It took me ages to get that!"

Sora shrugged and flashed his best smile. Then he smirked as he watched his friend go weak at the knees.

"Screw… the… papou…" he breathed, and then collapsed on the bridge.

"Hey, man!" Wakka grinned. "You jus' knocked Riku out, ya?"

Sora shuftied his eyes from side to side. "Err… yeah… yeah I did…" he mumbled.

"Cool, ya?" Wakka nodded, beaming enthusiastically. "I guess you dun need no training after all!"

"A heh…" Sora murmured. He kicked Riku's lifeless body out of his way and scarpered onto the pier and into his boat, Wakka chasing after him like a puppy all the way. Sora began to row. Very. Very. Fast.

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

Sora woke up the next day and decided to go and jump up on to the pier where Selphie lurked.

"Hey, Sora have you heard about the legendary power of the papou fruit?" she exclaimed. "They say… if you share one with someone you REALLY care for it binds you together for ever and ever! For eternity! Hint, Hint… It's soooo romantic…I just gotta TRY it sometime… Hinty, Hinty!"

"R-right… I have to go now… Someone is calling me…" Sora mumbled, shuftying his eyes across the sand.

Sora ran over to Tidus next who was hitting the thin air with his stick, the same motion every time…

"I think you've been getting stronger!" Tidus remarked. "But odds are you're still no match for Riku! We took him on thr- four- tw… err… well me, Wakka and Selphie all took him on one time! He whipped us ALL!" Tidus still didn't look at Sora because he was silly.

Silly like Sora.

"I guess Kairi can always count on him…" Tidus added.

This angered Sora very much so he shook him fist at Tidus, imagining that he was a moogle, and said, "I'll be back!"

Sora strolled past Kairi, who was stood on the half-finished raft. She was fiddling with something.

"_Hi_, Sora!" she beamed. "I guess you're wondering why I'm making a necklace of thalassa shells, huh?"

Sora shrugged. "Meh. Not really."

Kairi scowled indignantly. "Just get me this stuff and go away," she snapped. "Three empty crisp packets, a lemon-flavoured toothbrush and three electric trolley cows named Chell that live in Wakka's garage and feast on half digested bike tyres and slightly battered shoes."

Sora blinked. "Okay!" he cheered merrily, and began skipping around the area scooping up random items in his chubby little arms.

"Any of this stuff do?" he asked innocently.

"Fine," Kairi sighed reluctantly, and loaded Sora's junk onto the raft. "Oh, and Riku told me to tell you that he's looking for you."

"Looking for me?" Sora repeated. "Okay. I'll go find him."

Sora went up to his good friend Riku, who asked him what he wanted to call the raft they had been building. Sora selected 'Riku Stinks!' as his choice.

"So, you want to call it 'Riku Stinks'…" Riku pondered thoughtfully. "How about 'Highwind'" he suggested.

Cid randomly poked his head out of Traverse Town to shake his fist at Riku for stealing his surname because he was silly…

Silly like Sora.

Sora and Riku decided to have a race.

"Okay," Sora began. "If I win… _I'm _Captain, and if you win-"

"I get to share the papou with Kairi," Riku finished.

Sora blinked. "Huh?" he replied intelligently.

"Deal?" Riku prompted. "The winner gets to share a papou with Kairi!"

Kairi magically appeared next to them.

"_Hey_!" she protested. "You can't just _sell_ me off like that! I am not a prize to be won!"

Then Princess Jasmine popped her head round a random magical door from Agrabah.

"Well done, Kairi!" she whispered. "Your snooty-princess training is going well!"

Kairi pulled a face at the visitor, then shoved her head back through the door and kicked it shut with her very big shoes. She then proceeded to glare viciously at both boys.

Riku and Sora exchanged glances.

"Highwind it is, then…" Sora muttered.

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

That evening, while the sun was setting, Sora and Kairi sat on the pier.

"Y'know… Riku has changed…"

"Wha-" asked Sora who had been dreaming about wotsits rather than listening.

"Do you ever listen?"

Sora giggled in a very sheepish way.

"Lets go Sora! On the raft! Just the two of us!"

"Wha-?"

"Just kidding…!"

Sora tried to tell her that she was the one that had changed… but it just ended up with her saying "Sora… Don't ever change…"

Maybe Sora ought to change. Cuz Sora was silly. Silly like Sor- wait… we're already talking about Sora.

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

Sora lay awake on his blue/grey bed, thinking about his conversation with Kairi.

A storm began to brew on the horizon. It was a PURPLE storm. It was silly.

Silly like Sora.

"OH NO!! The raft!!!"

"Sora! Dinners ready! Sora?"

But Sora had climbed out of the window. Probably using some sheets tied together… but that's not the point…

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

"Riku's boat! A-and Kairi's!"

A random load of cute little black things appeared out of nowhere. And Sora's helpless, pathetic wooden sword hung limply at his side. Oh dear… boo hoo… poor Sora…

Sora scurried anxiously away from them and towards Riku, who was standing on the little round island.

"Riku!" Sora cried.

"Darkness…" Riku cackled evilly. "_Darknesssss! _Come join me Sora! Join me in the darkness, Sora! Darkness! Darrrrrknessssss!"

Sora raised his eyebrows. "O-kay…" he murmured. "Riku's gone mad."

Riku glared at him. "I'm not afraid of the darkness!" he bellowed, and then got eaten by a big… pool… bucket… thing… of darkness.

Sora gained a key for this because he was a good boy and didn't get swallowed by the darkness like Riku… Silly boy…

Silly like Sora.

Wait he IS Sora. No, m'dear, we're talking about _Riku_. Oh… I knew that…

"_Keyblade…" _a voice whispered eerily. "_Keyblade…_"

Sora blinked. "Cool!" he grinned, then slung it over his shoulder and did a little strut across the bridge and into the Secret Place.

"Hey, Kairi!" he winked, upon seeing his friend standing by the door with no handle. "Like meh noo Keyblade?"

Kairi turned to face him, her face streaming with tears. "Sora…" she breathed, and then the door flew open and a rush of air surged her forwards into Sora's arms. He jumped back in fright, letting Kairi fly through the passage and out into the night.

Then he shrugged and swanked back outside again. There was a large ball of darkness hovering overhead. He waved to it cheerfully.

"Why, hello there, giant ball of darkness!"

The ball of darkness scowled in return, and then promptly proceeded to suck him up.


	2. Chapter 2

**O---------------------------------------------------------O**

_Authors:_ **Nicrafetix** and **Sequizurx** (which put together equals **Sequifetix! **Wow, aren't we clever)

_Warning: _We had **probably** had a lot of **sugar** when this was written. Just so you know…

**O---------------------------------------------------------O**

**Kingdom**, um, **Spades?**

**Chapter Two**

**O---------------------------------------------------------O**

As the darkness subsided, Sora awoke to feel a wet… something or other… licking his cheek.

"Wha…" Sora mumbled, absently trying to push the soggy thing away from him.

"Grrrr!" the soggy thing growled. It did _not _sound happy.

"Naw…" Sora groaned, swatting at it with his gloved paws. No… wait… _hands. _Yes, _hands_… Sora has _hands… _

"Grrrr!" came the growling again.

"Five… more… minutes…" Sora yawned sleepily. "Need… sleep…"

"GRRRR!"

"Ahyuk, I say, Donald!" a goofy-sounding voice chortled. "Dontcha think Pluto's gettin' kinda mad at that kid over there?"

"Aw, shut up, ya big palooka!" Donald squawked.

Goofy frowned. It wasn't very attractive. "Gawrsh, Pluto sure looks angry!" he pointed out.

"Well giff him a dog biscuit!" Donald replied logically.

Goofy beamed. "Ahyuk! Dog biscuits!" he grinned, digging an extra-large bag of dog biscuits out of his jumper pocket. "C'mon, Pluto!" he called, waggling the bag in the air. "Y'know you want some… or maybe… I could…"

Donald raised his eyebrows and sighed as Goofy gazed longingly at the bag. A yellow picture of a green dog was plastered randomly on the front.

"Goofy…" Donald began warningly. "You know the therapist said you shouldn't haff anymore dog biscuits…"

Goofy's chubby bottom lip trembled. "But _Donald…_"

"NO!" Donald squawked. "Now let's GO!"

"What about Pluto?" Goofy sniffed, still blinking at the dog biscuit bag.

"Aw, shut up, ya big palooka!" Donald exclaimed. "I'm not scared!

Goofy blinked. "I know _you're _not, but dontcha think that-"

"C'mon, Goofy! We got to find the key bearer!" Donald quacked indignantly, and waddled off, waggling his tail feathers behind him. Well, he couldn't exactly waggle them in _front _of him, could he? That would be _silly_.

Silly like Sora.

Oh dear… we forgot about Sora…

Pluto was getting really angry by now. Sora must have been hurting him when shoving him off. When Sora decided to try and stand up the dog lashed out and stole Sora's pants.

Goofy suddenly stopped mid dog biscuit.

"Ahyuk! Look Donald! A boy with no pants!! Ahyuk! Ahyuk!"

"Aw, shut up, ya big palooka!" Donald's eyes widened when he saw that there WAS a boy with no pants on.

Then slapped Goofy to stop him eating any more dog food (who had since moved on from Pluto's biscuits and had stolen a dog bowl from outside one of the surrounding shops).

"A heh…" Sora murmured, using his paws – no, _hands_, damnit! – to try and shield his prettyboy pink underwear from the light ("The light! The light! It _burrrns!" _the underwear exclaimed tragically).

"Gawrsh, whatcha doing round here?" Goofy snorted, shuftying his eyes up and down Sora's… aheh… _person_.

"I'm… err…" Sora mumbled, then removed one paw – GRRR! HAND! – from his… aheh… _person_ to scratch his somewhat 'rakish' hair. "I dunno," he finished after many minutes of silence.

"Whaddaya mean?" Donald cried, alarmed. "How did ya get in this alleyway?"

Sora shrugged and strolled past them. "I dunno," he replied, heading for the accessory shop, where he knew there would be a save point.

"Hey. Kid," the shopkeeper snarled as Sora emerged into the room through the big double doors. He had platinum blond hair and was gnawing irritably on a stick of corn, or was it wheat? ...Or was it some other random substance that made no difference to the story at all?

Sora smiled in typical Sora fashion. "Hi," he grinned confidently. "I was just wondering if there was a save point around here."

The shopkeeper sighed. "Over there," he sighed, pointing his fat fingers in the general direction of the save point, which was located in a corner. It seemed he was pointing in the wrong direction because Sora somehow ended up in Neverland, teetering on the edge of the clock tower.

"Huh?" he blinked, peering around.

"Oh," a sweet, high-pitched voice exclaimed. Sora, almost toppling off in the process, turned around the see a dainty young girl in a blue nightdress gawping at him. "My name's Wendy. I'm posh, but you're a commoner. That means I can't talk to you."

Sora scowled. "I ain't no commoner!" he snarled, wiping his nose on his grubby sleeve. "Shutyaface!"

Wendy pouted tearfully. "That's not very nice!" she cried, and skipped away to the other side of what was apparently the clock tower.

After much exploring, Sora finally happening upon a save point at the very top. He slipped into it merrily and saved with glee. He also managed to board the Gummi ship and whiz himself back to Traverse Town. He knew as well as anyone that it was naughty to play Kingdom Hearts in the wrong order. 

**O---------------------------------------------------------O **

After encountering another small black thing and hearing some more cool music, Sora heard a voice that appeared to come out of no where. It was a deep voice, and silly.

Silly like Sora.

"They'll come at you out of nowhere." The voice told him.

What would? Who the hell was this guy?

"Who are you?" Sora enquired.

"And they'll keep on coming at you, as long as you continue you to wield the keyblade."

Sora shook his head and scowled at this strange man who had the nerve to mess with... with um, what was his name again?

Oh yes. Sora. And he was silly. That's right.

"Whatever 'Mr. I am cool with my leather pants and big sword gun...thing' I'M looking for my friends."

"Um, fair enough... Want me to help you look for them?" He said scraching his scalp wearily as if he had to herd little boys with giant door keys everyday.

"Hmm… I think I need a man more like… Hercules!" said Sora, punching the air in delight of having remembered someone's name.

Leon grabbed him by his hair and slung him into the house rather, how should it be put… unceremoniously.

**A/N: **Yayyyyyy /is dead/

**REVIEW REPLYS!! **

**FAS: **I knew it! I KNEW IT! YOU stole the queen's muffins! I'll 'ave you! Yes, yes, I am a genius /titter/ I am glad you realized. lol  
: D It's good to know I make people laugh. And it's also good to know that they call me mentally challenged hyenas x3

MUFFIIIIIINNNNN.

**Erioka: **xD I wish I had it too. I really do… It got flushed down the fanfiction toilet. HOPEFULLY I'll have it back by the time the next chapter comes round o.O

**Sequizurx: **heh heh heh Riku is I silly little boy who needs a hair cut. but I love him hugz Riku Riku: ew. girl germs…

**LE END **

Read, review, live, love (me)

Nicrafetix

**A/N: **Yayyyyyy /is dead/

**REVIEW REPLYS!! **

**FAS: **I knew it! I KNEW IT! YOU stole the queen's muffins! I'll 'ave you! Yes, yes, I am a genius /titter/ I am glad you realized. lol  
: D It's good to know I make people laugh. And it's also good to know that they call me mentally challenged hyenas x3

MUFFIIIIIINNNNN.

**Erioka: **xD I wish I had it too. I really do… It got flushed down the fanfiction toilet. HOPEFULLY I'll have it back by the time the next chapter comes round o.O

**Sequizurx: **heh heh heh Riku is I silly little boy who needs a hair cut. but I love him hugz Riku Riku: ew. girl germs…


End file.
